I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
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my one true gender
Just say no
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
☺️
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth