WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I have a new favorite meme page
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER