Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Breaking news:
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.