inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Every BBC series about the universe.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.