I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids