Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Trumpy Cat
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi