My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
accurate
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*