My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.