My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.