@HeelyHanson Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
@jaslakhmna My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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@HeelyHanson 
@robfee Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
@SamReidSays Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
@azninthesun when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
@mynameisntdave ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@AmericanGent69 *security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
@deardilettante How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
@TravLeBlanc Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?