@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

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@glo_stevens

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

@osigat

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

@BDGarp

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

@donniepeeler

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

@ArtIsMyPorn

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

@ThugRaccoons

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@shanethevein

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.