[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Catercrombie & Fish
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.