“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
everyone’s a critic
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST