We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this