hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.