“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.