The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.