The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met