Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*