You Might Also Like
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.