[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
You Might Also Like
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!