date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.