Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
You Might Also Like
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.