If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*bites zombie*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Come back with a warrant
turtles are just lizards who work in construction