In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.