In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
who did the taste test?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
being a writer on Twitter:
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale