some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.