some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*


Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.


A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.


Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.


If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home