some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
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Beware of fowl play.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Ironic
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.