@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

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@DrDogMD

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

@devonellis_

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@DirtMcTurd

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

@MamasUncutQA

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@capricecrane

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home