You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?