Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have a type: disappointing