Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Help Wanted
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.