I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does