Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane