Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad