Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.