*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
This is me
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”