ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario