If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
RT if you could go either way.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.