If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My therapist after every session
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
So true for me
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”