AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~