Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
spicy snake
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?