Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.