I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
me before I type out affect or effect
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Never be a pizza!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.