A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Happy Thanksgiving
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”