Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.