People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Spa day..😅
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda