Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

the prophecies have been fulfilled

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit