I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon