I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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What are you listening to?
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*marks intercept point*
Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
the prophecies have been fulfilled
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit