*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining