Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
You Might Also Like
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
he’s doing your taxes
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
An odd boast
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
he looks great for his age
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window