I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
where the womens at?
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Cause of death: Zumba
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If snakes were wide
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How to find Kentucky on a map
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat