[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Delightful if true: booby trap.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped