The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Expect the unexporcupine.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.