My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?