My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered