My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey


I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.


Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.


I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.


McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only


I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.