My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Proctology is located in A55
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It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.