My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.