@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

@DartsBofficial

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

@Cognitive_Diss

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@kimtopher22

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

@scootergonscoot

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

@thejessbess

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.