Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Every time I clean my dog鈥檚 water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I鈥檒l bring my workout gear. I mean I haven鈥檛 worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Funny because it’s true. 馃ぃ
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers