Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.